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Auction Jokes

Top 10 Funniest Auction Jokes

by Mark Miller

The auction world is known for being exciting, creative, lucrative, pulse-pounding and occasionally even nerve-wracking. But is it humorous? Of course! At least if the countless auction jokes we researched are any gauge. Here are our choices for the top 10 funniest auction jokes.

The Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

The Wallet

Bidding at a local auction is interrupted when the auctioneer's clerk hands him a note. "A gentleman has lost a wallet containing $5,000 in cash," says the auctioneer. "If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $1,000." There is a moment's silence, then someone in the crowd shouts: "One thousand five hundred!"

Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than once a week!" The second bull is auctioned next: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

Blondes at Horse Auction

Two blondes go to a horse auction and buy the two finest there. When they get them home, they say, “How are we gonna tell them apart?” The other one says, “We’ll put a notch in one of their ears.” The next day, they come back and both horses have a notch in their ears in the same place. So, now they put a ribbon on one horse’s tail. The next day, they come back and the ribbon had fallen off. So, now they cut off the tail on one of the horses. They come back the next day and both horses are missing a tail. One blonde says, “I know -- You take the white one and I’ll take the black one.”

Puns Galore

Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words - that's because of the auction-ears.

Auctions are the one place where you can get something for nodding.

Though, of course, you do have to stay ‘til the bidder end.

A Stradivarius and a Rembrandt

A man bought at an auction for what he thought a reasonable price for both a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. He was very happy with them since the price he paid was so low, for objects made by very famous people. He decided to go to an appraiser and have them officially valued. The appraiser said: "Well sir, indeed it's a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt, but it's only a pity that Stradivarius couldn't paint and Rembrandt couldn't build violins."

Rare Bible

A keen collector of old bibles meets a friend, who tells him he has just thrown away an old copy of that very book.
"It was some kind of Gutton ... Guten ..." he says.
"Not an old Gutenberg, by any chance?" says the bible collector, horrified. "A bible like that would fetch 3 or 4 million at an auction!"
"Well that's OK then," says the friend of the bible collector. "This one was probably worthless. Some idiot called Martin Luther had scribbled comments all over the damn margins."


To the sportsman who donated one of their jockstraps to my charity auction…thanks for your support.

Buyer Beware

I bought an off-road vehicle in a blind auction.
Got it delivered ... it was a canoe.

Auctioneer School

At auction school when you learn your basic chant the instructor had you put six marbles in each side of your mouth. You started your chant. One dollar bid now two. When the instructor nodded his head, you spit out a marble. Two dollar bid now three. Nods his head spit out another marble. Three dollar bid now four. Nods his head, spit out another marble. When you've lost all your marbles, you’re an auctioneer.

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